Changes

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I started this blog as a place to voice my feelings. A place to open up and just spill my guts out and not worry so much about what anyone thinks. Then it changed and I added things to it. I then started sharing my weight loss journey,  which I received encouragement and help. Then I started opening up about my journey to get where I am now. But what I did not expect was to open old wounds when doing so. Or having to deal with other issues outside that made it more difficult. Needless to say I am still here 🙂

I have rediscovered myself in a new way and considering I will be hitting the big 4-0 in a few weeks I am realizing that the things in the past, no matter if they come back into your memories or not, are in the past. We cannot change the things that have happened. We can only work hard not to repeat them. We can either hold grudges toward people or move on. We can either allow all the things that have happened to eat us up inside or accept that they made us the people we are, for better or worse. We are what we choose to be not what things have made us. We try to set an example for our children and hope they don’t make the mistakes we have but in the end they have to make those choices as well. Life is about choices. We make them no one else does.

I also did some soul searching. I know I have preached it that only we are responsible for the choices we make. But I’ll be honest, I did not do as I preached. It’s hard to say that because I don’t like being a hypocrite. I paid the price though. As I said above, I opened a few old wounds because of it. I literally just ripped the scab right off and poured salt on it. Why? Because I started blaming other people for my choices. I blamed them for things that went wrong because I could not face the fact that it was my fault. But you know what…I stopped. I started thinking about everything…and in that moment of clarity I realized I am not perfect. I am human. It is hard to describe the feeling that I felt at that moment. Because right then and there I stopped and realized the past is gone. No matter how much we want to change it we can’t. Anything we did has been done. You can express regret and ask for forgiveness, but in the end you have to let it go. Even if the person or persons that were part of it can’t. This part of my life, I have shut the book on. I may go back occasionally and hit the highlights but I am not going back there again.

I will be making some changes to my blog in the next few weeks. Nothing major, just things for me. Hopefully, I won’t lose any of you. But if you do go hopefully you will make your way back. Until next time…Namaste.

 

 

 

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Sorry I have not been around

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Hey everyone!  I know I have not been the best blogger of late. I have not been keeping up with all my updates and everything. I am sorry. I could tell you it’s because I have been doing so much and just did not have the time (that’s partially true). Or I could tell you I just did not have anything to write about. Or even still I could tell you I was just tired of it and needed space.

All of it is true and not true.

I have been busy with life and all of the changes that come with it. I have had to make decisions again in my life as to what is important and not so much anymore. As I said in a previous post I was going back to a place that I no longer wanted to be but I could feel myself slipping down again. So I had to take a step back and do some major soul searching. I had to come to a realization I was more important then what anyone could say or do. I found a few things when doing that:

  1. I am me. No one can change me except me.
  2. People will always be envious. I don’t say everyone does it intentionally sometimes it’s unintentional. I feel that way as well sometimes. It’s natural. But how you treat people is up to you
  3. Not everyone has your best interests at heart…even if they love you.
  4. Life is too short to really care about what the haters think.
  5. Things usually are not as bad as they seem and they can always be worse then what they are.

I know most of these are givens and I know everyone will agree that we all can use improvements. I am trying to make a better me. Maybe I am trying to hard but I don’t think so. I look at myself now and what I was 12 or 13 years ago and I see how far I have come. It’s not been an easy trip. I have had to leave things behind. But when I look at them now…I realize how unimportant they were. But I also realize without those things I would not be the person I am now.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Did you miss me…or was this a hiatus…

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Hey everyone!! It’s been awhile since I did a full post. I needed some time to get my head straight on a few things going on which I will share partially here. There have been things going on that I have had to come to terms with and the reality of my life is that I have to put somethings first whereas others are not necessarily last but I had to and still am trying to figure out if they are worth it. I think in a way I have had to “clean house”  in my mind, body, and soul. No I am not getting spiritual here but it’s not a bad thing. This is my journey and I am finding out things that I thought were important are not and things that might not have been paid attention to are. It was an interesting thing.

The first thing, I was having a conversation with another female a few days ago about the big discussion going on “why can’t women have it all” …..Let me stop here before I go any further I am not trying to sway one way or the other or judge anyone who has one way or the other. This was just a conversation……  We were talking about and the discussion got a little heated on her side due to her believing that if a woman makes enough money she can have it all. That she can have the husband, kids, home…everything if she just made enough money. That if she made enough money that she could hire someone to take care of the kids while at work, clean her home, cook her meals…etc. Then she could come home and “spend time with her family”. My side of it was how is that having it all? You have someone else doing everything you would otherwise be doing as a “mom” just to say you have a career. You’re at work. When you come home after working 10 – 12 hrs a day you will not want to spend time with the kids if you are not already used to doing this. She then turned around and told me that is why I will never be “rich” and that I have become “lazy” in my life. At that point I felt the need to change the conversation due to things were getting heated and this person and I are very close. During this discussion, I started thing about things in my own life and I started wondering if I made the right choices. But since this conversation I have come to this conclusion: Being rich is not the only thing important. Yes there is not a time where I wish we had more money but thankfully we are not doing without. But there is not a day that I regret having to come home, due to circumstances, to raise my kids and enjoy them from the time they were babies up until now as they are teenagers (eek!). We could have had a bigger home, fancier cars, been in that “area” of the city but at what consequence?

In my life, I have made choices. Some I was forced to make due to circumstances others I made free and clear of any outside intervention. One choice I have discussed in this blog lightly is the fact of having to remove myself from certain situations in the past and seems like I still have to now. It seems when I am finally at a point in my life that I have my head up and I feel amazing, there is always someone to try to bring me back down into the muck. This has been happening the last few months as well and is part of the reason my posts up until I quit posting were getting a little monotonous. I almost went back to the way I was back in 2005. What brought me back this time was the new me. I had started going back into my old habits. I started getting hurt and angry too easily. I started to fall back into that trap of nothing. I even started gaining the weight I have worked so hard to get off. It then dawned on me this is exactly what they want. They want me to be as miserable as they are. Even though they like to say they are happy and get to do everything that I can’t do and have everything I don’t. But you know what…I have everything I want. I am the one that has to live my life. I am the one that has to do what I can in my life and I know I am not going to let them drag me down just make me less then them. I can just imagine everything that is said when I am not around….and I think it is hilarious!!

Over the years, I have had to let go of things that I had my heart set on, Things that I always thought that I wanted. But as I am reaching forty (OMG), I am finding out how much energy I wasted on wanting something I would never have. I have for so many years wanted to be part of a venture that was began before I was born. I had always thought I would be part of it. Not because of money but because it was literally part of my life constantly. As the years went by, I found out that it was not going to happen for various reasons. Needless to say this made me feel as if I was not good enough, that I did not have the abilities that were needed. It took me a long time to get past that. Actually to be honest I am not too sure I am even now. I had always believed that if I proved myself in everything they put in front of me I could be what they wanted. But needless to say it was not good enough. I wasted so many years doing this. Now I will be 40 my birthday and you know what…I’m done with trying to live up to some expectation that I will never achieve. Does that mean I will slack off? Does that mean I will not continue to achieve what I want?  No what it means is I will set my own expectations and be damned if they like it or not.

The sad thing with these things I have posted here is that, these are close people to me and they really are not bad people. But I had to make a choice all those years ago, and I have to renew that decision, that put me on the path I am today. I have to realize that whereas they are a part of my life and are important to me, I have to let what is said or done “go in one ear and out the other”. I cannot allow anyone to make me less then I am. Not anymore. My life is set on a path. I just have to remember that. I have to remember that there are going to be potholes, diversions, and forks in the road but in the end it will all end up in the same spot. How I want to get there is up to me no one else.