Hey all…just letting you know

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I’m still around!! Sorry I have not been really blogging too much recently. I’ve had somethings I needed to get straight in my head and life. I am still working on a few things because if I don’t straighten them out I will regret it. I have to put things in their places and stop worrying so much what everyone else thinks. But you know what…it’s hard. Especially when it’s people that are a major part of your life.¬†I am lucky this time. I have an amazing husband that helps me realize things that are said disappear with the breeze and things that are done are forgotten about after they do them. He has shown me that I cannot allow everything to get to me.

All that being said, my life is coming back together and I will be posting again. It’ll just be a little bit longer. I will be back ūüôā

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emotions

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laughter, happiness

things we show

when everything goes right

tears, sadness

things we hide

when everyone else thinks things are right

show me all

I want to know

when everything is wrong

when everything is right

why hide

when I am right here

give me your good

give me your bad

I can take it

I know what it is

Don’t feel lost

I’ll hold your hand

 

© MGA 2017

 

Did you miss me…or was this a hiatus…

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Hey everyone!! It’s been awhile since I did a full post. I needed some time to get my head straight on a few things going on which I will share partially here. There¬†have been things going on that I have had to come to terms with and the reality of my life is that I have to put somethings first whereas others are not necessarily last but I had to and still am trying to figure out if they are worth it. I think in a way I have had to “clean house”¬† in my mind, body, and soul. No I am not getting spiritual here but it’s not a bad thing. This is my journey and I am finding out things that I thought were important are not and things that might not have¬†been paid attention to are. It was an interesting thing.

The first thing, I was having a conversation with another female a few days ago¬†about the big discussion going on “why can’t women have it all” …..Let me stop here before I go any further I am not trying to sway one way or¬†the other or judge anyone who has one way or the other.¬†This was just a conversation……¬†¬†We were talking about and the discussion got a little heated on her side due to her believing that if a woman makes enough money she can have it all. That she can have the husband, kids, home…everything if she just made enough¬†money. That if she made enough money that she could hire someone to take care of the kids while at work, clean her home, cook her meals…etc. Then she could come home and “spend time with her family”. My side of it was how is that having it all? You have someone else doing everything you would otherwise be doing as a “mom” just to say you have a career. You’re at work. When you come home after working 10 – 12 hrs a day you will not want to spend time with the kids if you are not already used to doing this. She then turned around and told me that is why I will never be “rich” and that I have become “lazy” in my life. At that point I felt the need to change the conversation due to things were getting heated and this person and I are very close. During this discussion, I started thing about things in my own life and I started wondering if I made the right choices. But since this conversation I have come to this conclusion: Being rich is not the only thing important. Yes there is not a time where I wish we had more money but thankfully we are not doing without. But there is not a day that I regret having to come home, due to circumstances, to raise my kids and enjoy them from the time they were babies up until now as they are teenagers (eek!). We could have had a bigger home, fancier cars, been in that “area” of the city but at what consequence?

In my life, I have made choices. Some I was forced to make due to circumstances others I made free and clear of any outside intervention. One choice I have discussed in this blog lightly is the fact of having to remove myself from certain situations in the past and seems like I still have to now. It seems when I am finally at a point in my life that I have my head up and I feel amazing, there is always someone to try to bring me back down into the muck. This has been happening the last few months as well and is part of the reason my posts up until I quit posting were getting a little monotonous. I almost went back to the way I was back in 2005. What brought me back this time was the new me. I had started going back into my old habits. I started getting hurt and angry too easily. I started to fall back into that trap of nothing. I even started gaining the weight I have worked so hard to get off. It then dawned on me this is exactly what they want. They want me to be as miserable as they are. Even though they like to say they are happy and get to do everything that I can’t do and have everything I don’t. But you know what…I have everything I want. I am the one that has to live my life. I am the one that has to do what I can in my life and I know I am not going to let them drag me down just make me less then them. I can just imagine everything that is said when I am not around….and I think it is hilarious!!

Over the years, I have had to let go of things that I had my heart set on, Things that I always thought that I wanted. But as I am reaching forty (OMG), I am finding out how much energy I wasted on wanting something I would never have. I have for so many years wanted to be part of a venture that was began before I was born. I had always thought I would be part of it. Not because of money but because it was literally part of my life constantly. As the years went by, I found out that it was not going to happen for various reasons. Needless to say this made me feel as if I was not good enough, that I did not have the abilities that were needed. It took me a long time to get past that. Actually to be honest I am not too sure I am even now. I had always believed that if I proved myself in everything they put in front of me I could be what they wanted. But needless to say it was not good enough. I wasted so many years doing this. Now I will be 40 my birthday and you know what…I’m done with trying to live up to some expectation that I will never achieve. Does that mean I will slack off? Does that mean I will not continue to achieve what I want? ¬†No what it means is I will set my own expectations and be damned if they like it or not.

The sad thing with these things I have posted here is that, these are close people to me and they really are not bad people. But I had to make a choice all those years ago, and I have to renew that decision, that put me on the path I am today. I have to realize that whereas they are a part of my life and are important to me, I have to let what is said or done “go in one ear and out the other”. I cannot allow anyone to make me less then I am. Not anymore. My life is set on a path. I just have to remember that. I have to remember that there are going to be potholes, diversions, and forks in the road but in the end it will all end up in the same spot. How I want to get there is up to me no one else.

Let Go

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Holding on
tears falling down
knowing you don’t see
not because you don’t see
just because you don’t know
actions hurt
but words stick
just wanting to let go
waiting for the day
hoping for the day
needing to heal
but only one can do it
waiting to let go

©MGA 2017

 

Promises

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you say you changed

you say I’m the one

with the issue

from a distance

I see your manipulative ways

and you grasping the straws

you say I’m the issue

I watch you fall apart

see you in denial

making promises

saying things changed

though they never did

 

©MGA 2017

There’s an old saying…..

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Why is it when a person does well at something there are always those that want to bring them down? Why can’t they be happy for that person or proud of that person? This has always puzzled me. I mean I guess I can understand that they get upset or frustrated with their lot in life. But what I don’t understand is why do you hate someone that is doing well?¬† I don’t mean rich (but that’s no excuse either) but someone that is just like them and are able to hold their head up and say “yes I did it”. Why would you try to drag them down just to make them miserable? This, I just do not get. I guess it’s human nature maybe. I don’t know. I guess maybe I still have a lot to learn. Maybe I will never understand, I mean I am almost 40…lol!! But I guess it is true….the best revenge is living well. So that is what I will do. I will continue to live my life. I will continue to live as well as my choices allow me to.