It’s been 14 years

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When you first came into this world, innocent and beautiful, I was scared to death though I never told anyone. I was worried what the world was going to do to you. But now as you are growing up and I see the confidence you have, I am less worried. I am not going to say I am not because I still am your mom. I will always worry, but I see the young woman you are becoming and I see your confidence growing every day. I see what your potential is and I hope you can achieve all your dreams what ever they may be. I hope your life will be smooth and not have too many potholes to fall in. You are so amazing and beautiful. Happy 14th birthday!!

Emotions….

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I have not been the best daughter probably. I mean if you look at me from the outside it may seem like I am but I am here to tell you honestly I am not. I do all the daughter things like take care of my parents, do things that need to be done, listen to them when they need someone to listen…etc. But truly and honestly I am not. I say this because as much as I love my parents I tend not to want to be around them at all. Not because I don’t care about them but more because every time I am around them I feel like I am being dragged down. It’s like they don’t really want me there and they make sure that I know it. I know it sounds like I am acting like a child but to be honest I really do not think they want me there.But yet I still go and I still take care of them. They would prefer if a complete stranger would come and take care of them. Even though those friends (strangers) never show up to take care of them.

I wonder sometimes if honestly I walk away and never come back what they would say? But I know, they would blame my husband or tell me I am just like my brother. It’s like I don’t exist. It’s like I am just a body and everyone programs me to say what they want me to say. Like I have no conscious thoughts of my own. Can any of you imagine how that feels? It makes you feel like you’re worthless, like you don’t exist, like you mean nothing. I thought I had come to terms with this a long time ago, but I guess I never did. It hurts. It sucks. It’s the worse feeling in the world.

Now understand, I am not mad or angry at my parents. I guess they love me in their own way when it comes to that emotion. I think they think that I am just a shadow that they only have to pay attention to when something is needed. That I am the one they go to when there is nothing else, when they have exhausted their other resources. Or when their other resources don’t  do what they want them to do. I get the feeling that I am the last resort, the one that is always there, the old yellow dog that gets kicked until you want the foxes out of the chicken coop. But you know what…I’m tired. But it doesn’t matter because I will take care of my parents no matter what.