I’m still around!! Sorry I have not been really blogging too much recently. I’ve had somethings I needed to get straight in my head and life. I am still working on a few things because if I don’t straighten them out I will regret it. I have to put things in their places and stop worrying so much what everyone else thinks. But you know what…it’s hard. Especially when it’s people that are a major part of your life. I am lucky this time. I have an amazing husband that helps me realize things that are said disappear with the breeze and things that are done are forgotten about after they do them. He has shown me that I cannot allow everything to get to me.
All that being said, my life is coming back together and I will be posting again. It’ll just be a little bit longer. I will be back 🙂
At this point, like most moms and dads, my life was all about my kids and my spouse. Just keeping it all together was an exercise in and of itself. I’m not complaining about my past. I am just reflecting. I look back and I see how much pain and stress I put myself through when not only could I have made things easier on myself but also on my husband. But hey past is past and that is not what this post is about 🙂
I knew I had to get back to exercising but I’ll be honest it was so hard because I always found an excuse. I did exercise but as many times before it was not complete. I did start a strict regiment of exercise and at that point, I weighed 172 pounds, I lost 15 pounds. I was so happy but felt I was leaving something out. I was happy to have lost that weight but it wasn’t until I started looking for info regarding my health that I stumbled upon another yoga book (noticing a theme here…I love books). This book has so much info in it. and to be honest I learned a lot both about my health and physical being in it. It’s called: The Woman’s Book of Yoga & Health. I’m not trying to promote anything here just giving info if anyone wants to look at anything I have done. I started doing the exercises in it but could not continue. I always seemed to find a reason not to get up and do it. By this point I was 30 or 31 and I just completely stopped. I didn’t exercise or if I did it was half hearted. It did not benefit me because my heart and mind was not in it. I paid the price. For the next 7 years I gained weight and was just so busy (or so I thought) that I didn’t have the time.
As I was saying in my previous post, has always been part of my life. At the point I stopped doing yoga again, my priorities were skewed. I had been married almost 3 years at that point, I was about to go back to college after dropping out, I was trying to get pregnant, I discovered I had a thyroid issue (which I still take medicine for today), and as much as I love my husband…our relationship was not that great at that point. I was so out of balance with everything and it made my life a lot harder. I did try to go back to yoga during this time but it was fruitless. I could not get my mind in the place I needed to be. I could not focus on what I needed. I didn’t really know at that point in my life what I needed. It was not until after my son was born that I attempted yoga again, but I could not stay focused on it until about 3 years and my daughter’s birth was able to do it again.
At that point I was 27 and was feeling older than I was. It felt like my joints were rusted hinges. I was still somewhat flexible but I soon found out how much flexibility I had lost. I could not find any good books on yoga and I had given my book to my niece because she wanted to try it. So here I am, at home with 2 little ones (almost 2 yrs apart) and I start flipping through the channels. I never go to PBS but for some reason I did. I found a show on PBS that was yoga. I was like yes!! I found something I could start again. Well as happy as I was it didn’t last long. I did not stick with it. Not because I couldn’t (actually I think in some areas it still airs) but because again I could not focus to do anything for myself.
I am thankful for everything that I have. It took me a long time to get where I am both mentally and physically. I have reached a point in my life that I have accepted myself as to who I am. I have learned that as much as you would like to stay around people because you love and care about them, it might be in your best interest to keep your distance for your own sanity. I’ve had to make choices that 10 yrs ago I did not ever think I would. Does this mean I have taken them completely out of my life? No but what it means is that I limit my exposure. I have also learned that you can’t help anyone who really does not want to be helped no matter how much they need it. Does this mean I stop trying to help people? No but I learned like the old saying ” You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make them drink”. It is so true in so many ways. I also learned not to set you expectations up so high that people can’t live up to them. I was so guilty of this when I was younger. I would always think that when people expected the highest of me I could do likewise. Boy was I wrong. I cannot tell you how many times I was so hurt and disappointed. It made me miserable almost to the point where I thought I was doing something wrong. Finally I came to the realization that no matter what I thought, felt, or did it would never meet their expectations. When that happened, I can’t tell you how amazing it felt. It was like the weight of the world had been removed from my shoulders.
It took a lot of focus and will to get out of that state of mind and the path was probably the rockiest and hardest path I had ever been on to that point. Because no matter how hard I tried, it wanted to suck me back down into old habits. I can’t tell you how easy I would have been to go back down that path. But I haven’t and I won’t. My life and path are so much calmer and peaceful. I feel so amazing. When I think back on what I went through to get this point it was so worth it.
Now I am 38 almost 39 and the person I am is a much better, more stable, more confident person then I was 10 yrs ago. I can look at life so much clearer and not have to wonder if I am meeting someone else’s expectations or trying to match someone else’s opinion of what I should be. I am the only one that is in power of my life and destiny. I do believe the way you feel determines how everything works out….and I feel amazing!!