Honestly I wonder why I try to make an attempt to rebuild burned bridges. I honestly try to make amends but when I make the attempt it seems that I am being pulled back into a ridiculous, nonsense, stressful situation. I feel I am being manipulated all over again so this person can get what they want or just for them to cause chaos in my life because I am in a better place then I used be. That they just want to pull me back down into the muck and make me what I used to be. Their jealousy is so strong. I love them so much but this last time I went to visit I could just feel the manipulation in everything they said. I find out everything we talked about was twisted and turned into something that none of it was meant to be. I should’ve learned but what can I say, maybe I’m a glutton for punishment…? I am not going to let them drag me back. I am not going to fall into those destructive habits. I am a better, stronger person. But it is so hard when it is someone you love and care about so much and they know it and use that to make your own self doubts and insecurities come out. Sigh…not much can be done.
All I know is burned once, burned twice it can be forgotten. Burned three times then I am the fool. I won’t be doing it a third time.
Ok I think maybe I have come to a realization…maybe I am pushing to hard and maybe I am hurting myself more than I am helping myself? Does it mean I am going to stop exercising? No. Does it mean I am going to push myself harder? Maybe… All I know is at this moment, I am not where I thought I’d be. This is not going as I thought it would. Sometimes I wonder if it is worth it… When I start asking myself that, it gives me a lot of self doubt, a lot of insecurities pop up, and then I start questioning myself. That’s never a good thing because when I start questioning myself I eventually quit. I don’t want to quit this time. I want to keep doing what I am doing. I will keep doing what I am doing.
Ok so now that I got your attention I’d like to say this isn’t about truth or dare kind of secrets….even though those can be fun. No this is all about this is about all those secrets and thoughts that we have about ourselves. The ones when you get dressed in the morning or when you look in the mirror or when you see someone looking at you or any other of a multitude of other secrets about yourself that you never tell anyone about.
I was listening to radio today and the above song came on the radio. “Secrets” by Mary Lambert. I realize it’s just a song but it really made me think about all the insecurities and negative thoughts I have had over the years about myself. You know the ones…the ones where we are told to not say anything about. The ones that we try to hide though they make us feel insecure about who we are. We should speak up and be proud of every flaw we have. They are what makes us…US!!! I think it’s a pretty empowering song in a way. It can make you face all the insecurities (or at least think about them) in a positive way. I’m glad I heard the song today…it actually made me feel a lot better than I did.
Thank you Mary Lambert for putting it out there about your own self-doubt and insecurities. You made me feel normal at least
So I am going to challenge anyone who is willing to accept: List at least one insecurity about yourself and for every insecurity that is listed I will list another of mine.Until I run out of them 🙂 (maybe)
I will start out with one of mine to get the ball rolling and show I am not afraid to share:
I have never been satisfied with anything I have done.