hate

It’s hard

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Why does it seem when everything is going amazing there is always someone to pull you down? I try to keep my head up but it gets to a point where even if you are the  most positive person and you try to stay that way, you just ask if it is worth it to be that way. Because it’s so easy to be like everyone else. It’s like you just want to stop trying. You just want to give in, give up and just stop being what makes you, you.

Then I read this post by one of my fellow bloggers Brandon Knoll. And he is so right!

When anyone tries to make you feel less, try to make you feel like you cannot do anything, or even tries to destroy what you are proud of remember they are the ones that are wrong. They choose the easy route to make you feel insignificant, undesirable, unworthy, unhappy, unaccomplished. They do it to make themselves feel superior to you because you are happy with you. You are wanted. You are beautiful. You are amazing. Don’t let anyone ever crush you, take you apart, or destroy you. Stay positive and happy. They cannot take that away from you unless you allow them to. Be what you are you…no one can take that away from you.

Thanks Brandon for that amazing post. You reminded me of what is important.

Love yourself

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I have been reading a lot of articles lately about women discovering how much they love themselves. Some have been great articles about women discovering how much they forgot about themselves and are rediscovering themselves. Then I read those articles about women (in my opinion and only apparently in my opinion) where they are not discovering themselves but rather it seems are giving up on themselves. This seems to me not so much that they are loving themselves but rather telling themselves they can do no better and have to accept that there is no alternative to their situation. I am surprised how much women (again in my opinion) tend to take themselves in such disregard and not care what happens. They think or accept in some cases that they have no alternative. There is always an alternative to any situation, but it is up to the person to make that decision for themselves.

Sometimes it takes something to happen to make you realize you have to change. It did for me. It took me to almost reach 190 pounds (I know it does not seem like a lot but it was for me) and my doctor tell me she was going to put me cholesterol meds. It took me to realize that if I did not change I would have to take pill so I could continue eating myself to death. Then the final straw was when my son went to the doctor and I was told he was overweight. I told myself I had to change…not just for myself but for my son. So I made that choice first for myself (because I have to do it for me) and second for my son (because I have to set the right example for him). It’s not easy. It did not happen overnight. I will not allow it to continue.

The reason I brought this up is because I am so tired of seeing women bash each other because of each other’s decisions. But I also am so tired of seeing people saying how them being fat is perfect or beautiful or healthy…or all the hate being thrown at people who are trying to lose weight to make themselves healthier. If you are happy (no matter your size) great!! I am glad for you. But do not try to convince me that I should be happy when I know my health is at risk because of the extra weight I have put on. Do not try to tell me it is normal for me to be this way and I should accept my curves, or my soft belly, or should be happy because I “look good” for my age. I have heard all this. I am not a self hater. I have a very high self-esteem and do not need anyone to tell me that I look good or that I am just “the right size” for my age, or that I should be “happy I look the way I do” after having two kids. Without sounding cocky or over-confident: I LOVE MYSELF!!  This is the reason I am doing this. Not to fit a certain expectation. I do not want to put some chemical in my body that they really do not have any idea of the long-term effects just because I cannot stop eating. I am not going to allow them to do that to my son. And to be honest, neither should you.

I do not hate on anyone that makes a conscious choice of doing either way. I accept everyone for who they are and what they are. I have been told too many times in my life that I am different, not their type, don’t speak the way they do, don’t dress the way they do…and what ever else. I never fit in anywhere I went. I don’t fit any mold…none of us do!! We are all different!! The bashing of each other should stop…we will not get anywhere with it. Love others….and most of all Love Yourself!!

Why?

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Honestly I wonder why I try to make an attempt to rebuild burned bridges. I honestly try to make amends but when I make the attempt it seems that I am being pulled back into a ridiculous, nonsense, stressful situation. I feel I am being manipulated all over again so this person can get what they want or just for them to cause chaos in my life because I am in a better place then I used be. That they just want to pull me back down into the muck and make me what I used to be. Their jealousy is so strong. I love them so much but this last time I went to visit I could just feel the manipulation in everything they said. I find out everything we talked about was twisted and turned into something that none of it was meant to be. I should’ve learned but what can I say, maybe I’m a glutton for punishment…? I am not going to let them drag me back. I am not going to fall into those destructive habits. I am a better, stronger person. But it is so hard when it is someone you love and care about so much and they know it and use that to make your own self doubts and insecurities come out. Sigh…not much can be done.

All I know is burned once, burned twice it can be forgotten. Burned three times then I am the fool. I won’t be doing it a third time.