Hey everyone! I know I have not been the best blogger of late. I have not been keeping up with all my updates and everything. I am sorry. I could tell you it’s because I have been doing so much and just did not have the time (that’s partially true). Or I could tell you I just did not have anything to write about. Or even still I could tell you I was just tired of it and needed space.
All of it is true and not true.
I have been busy with life and all of the changes that come with it. I have had to make decisions again in my life as to what is important and not so much anymore. As I said in a previous post I was going back to a place that I no longer wanted to be but I could feel myself slipping down again. So I had to take a step back and do some major soul searching. I had to come to a realization I was more important then what anyone could say or do. I found a few things when doing that:
- I am me. No one can change me except me.
- People will always be envious. I don’t say everyone does it intentionally sometimes it’s unintentional. I feel that way as well sometimes. It’s natural. But how you treat people is up to you
- Not everyone has your best interests at heart…even if they love you.
- Life is too short to really care about what the haters think.
- Things usually are not as bad as they seem and they can always be worse then what they are.
I know most of these are givens and I know everyone will agree that we all can use improvements. I am trying to make a better me. Maybe I am trying to hard but I don’t think so. I look at myself now and what I was 12 or 13 years ago and I see how far I have come. It’s not been an easy trip. I have had to leave things behind. But when I look at them now…I realize how unimportant they were. But I also realize without those things I would not be the person I am now.
Hey everyone!! It’s been awhile since I did a full post. I needed some time to get my head straight on a few things going on which I will share partially here. There have been things going on that I have had to come to terms with and the reality of my life is that I have to put somethings first whereas others are not necessarily last but I had to and still am trying to figure out if they are worth it. I think in a way I have had to “clean house” in my mind, body, and soul. No I am not getting spiritual here but it’s not a bad thing. This is my journey and I am finding out things that I thought were important are not and things that might not have been paid attention to are. It was an interesting thing.
The first thing, I was having a conversation with another female a few days ago about the big discussion going on “why can’t women have it all” …..Let me stop here before I go any further I am not trying to sway one way or the other or judge anyone who has one way or the other. This was just a conversation…… We were talking about and the discussion got a little heated on her side due to her believing that if a woman makes enough money she can have it all. That she can have the husband, kids, home…everything if she just made enough money. That if she made enough money that she could hire someone to take care of the kids while at work, clean her home, cook her meals…etc. Then she could come home and “spend time with her family”. My side of it was how is that having it all? You have someone else doing everything you would otherwise be doing as a “mom” just to say you have a career. You’re at work. When you come home after working 10 – 12 hrs a day you will not want to spend time with the kids if you are not already used to doing this. She then turned around and told me that is why I will never be “rich” and that I have become “lazy” in my life. At that point I felt the need to change the conversation due to things were getting heated and this person and I are very close. During this discussion, I started thing about things in my own life and I started wondering if I made the right choices. But since this conversation I have come to this conclusion: Being rich is not the only thing important. Yes there is not a time where I wish we had more money but thankfully we are not doing without. But there is not a day that I regret having to come home, due to circumstances, to raise my kids and enjoy them from the time they were babies up until now as they are teenagers (eek!). We could have had a bigger home, fancier cars, been in that “area” of the city but at what consequence?
In my life, I have made choices. Some I was forced to make due to circumstances others I made free and clear of any outside intervention. One choice I have discussed in this blog lightly is the fact of having to remove myself from certain situations in the past and seems like I still have to now. It seems when I am finally at a point in my life that I have my head up and I feel amazing, there is always someone to try to bring me back down into the muck. This has been happening the last few months as well and is part of the reason my posts up until I quit posting were getting a little monotonous. I almost went back to the way I was back in 2005. What brought me back this time was the new me. I had started going back into my old habits. I started getting hurt and angry too easily. I started to fall back into that trap of nothing. I even started gaining the weight I have worked so hard to get off. It then dawned on me this is exactly what they want. They want me to be as miserable as they are. Even though they like to say they are happy and get to do everything that I can’t do and have everything I don’t. But you know what…I have everything I want. I am the one that has to live my life. I am the one that has to do what I can in my life and I know I am not going to let them drag me down just make me less then them. I can just imagine everything that is said when I am not around….and I think it is hilarious!!
Over the years, I have had to let go of things that I had my heart set on, Things that I always thought that I wanted. But as I am reaching forty (OMG), I am finding out how much energy I wasted on wanting something I would never have. I have for so many years wanted to be part of a venture that was began before I was born. I had always thought I would be part of it. Not because of money but because it was literally part of my life constantly. As the years went by, I found out that it was not going to happen for various reasons. Needless to say this made me feel as if I was not good enough, that I did not have the abilities that were needed. It took me a long time to get past that. Actually to be honest I am not too sure I am even now. I had always believed that if I proved myself in everything they put in front of me I could be what they wanted. But needless to say it was not good enough. I wasted so many years doing this. Now I will be 40 my birthday and you know what…I’m done with trying to live up to some expectation that I will never achieve. Does that mean I will slack off? Does that mean I will not continue to achieve what I want? No what it means is I will set my own expectations and be damned if they like it or not.
The sad thing with these things I have posted here is that, these are close people to me and they really are not bad people. But I had to make a choice all those years ago, and I have to renew that decision, that put me on the path I am today. I have to realize that whereas they are a part of my life and are important to me, I have to let what is said or done “go in one ear and out the other”. I cannot allow anyone to make me less then I am. Not anymore. My life is set on a path. I just have to remember that. I have to remember that there are going to be potholes, diversions, and forks in the road but in the end it will all end up in the same spot. How I want to get there is up to me no one else.
I am not a minimalist yet. Does that mean I never will be? No…because I am trying to reach a point in my life where material things will not hinder me from doing things I want to do. Yes I like to have nice things and I will buy things if I can do so with out putting myself into debt. Which I am fortunate enough to be able to do because I watch what I spend and how I spend. I choose to buy things in a way most people do not. I might use a credit card but I make sure I am able to pay it off at the end of the month before I make any purchase. I make sure what I buy is something I will use and get use out of. I do not buy things just for the sake of buying anymore.
Now that I have said this, let me explain why this has come up. It seems when we decide (me and my husband) to put our feet a little higher up to do something, we always have people trying to put things in our way. Now I know some of these people have good intentions and they don’t look at things quite the same way we do. They look at it as if we are depriving ourselves of enjoyment, instant gratification, or whatever. Those are not so bad because they do have good intentions. Then you have those who will make fun of us and call us cheap, stingy, or even worse tell us we are depriving our kids of some kind of enjoyment that material things bring. They will make you miserable whenever you see them because they think you are being ridiculous in your goals. They think that instant gratification is more important then being debt and worry free. Either of these two groups can be so disheartening sometimes. Especially when it is close family members and you want to be around them. Some of it I think is jealousy, some of they think they know what is better for us then we do, and some think that we should just be lazy and go with the flow. Whereas I appreciate their input, our lives are our lives. We make the choice we make for ourselves. In the end I want my kids to remember me for me not for what I bought for them. I want to remember what me and my husband did together not for what he bought on his credit card. Why is that so hard for people to understand? Why do people put such high value on things that don’t last and so little on things that do?
All I know, is that in 5 1/2 years my house will be paid off and I will be 45 yrs old. I know my husband will 54 years old. I know my kids when they are my age cannot say that their dad and mom were not around when they needed us. I know I will be able to say my family is stronger and does not need material things to hold us together. We can say we actually enjoy being together. In the end that is all that matters.
Well here I am at week 47. Let me start out saying I have been busy otherwise I would have been posting more regularly….sorry everyone!! Now on to the post….
I am not anywhere close to my goal but I am learning a lot about my health. In the last 47 weeks and even before that when I first started, I started to do this because I was having the beginnings of major issues…anywhere from asthma all the way to high cholesterol. I was not in good shape and could not go and do things with my kids that I wanted to. I mean I was not even 40 years old and I felt like I was falling apart. I weighed almost 190 pounds and every joint felt it. I was at the heaviest I had ever been in my life. So I started on this journey with the decision not so much to lose weight as to get healthy again.
And it seems that I have.
I have not lost as much weight as I would like to and in the process I have gained some back and lost it again. In total I have lost 13 pounds since I started. I know that does not seem like a lot but considering I really did not go into this to lose weight but to get healthy, to me, it is a lot. It’s a lot because I have kept it off. I did not gain it back after losing it. It shows if you change your diet you will not only lose weight but will regain your health. Yes I know I should not tout any huge successes because commercial weight loss programs will “guarantee you that you will lose 50 pounds in 6 months or your money back (insert sarcasm)” but to me this is a huge success. Not in terms of weight loss but in terms of me taking my body, my health, and my life back.
I am going to continue doing just as I have and will continue to update my progress. I will change myself the better and teach my children to live better and healthier. I don’t want to leave them sooner then I have to and I want them to have a long, healthy, enjoyable life. The more I learn the more they learn. Maybe by changing my path, I have change theirs for the better.
Success is not the absence of failure; it’s the persistence through failure.
Bust: 38 in
Have a great Easter Sunday!! Enjoy the day!!
Easter is meant to be a symbol of hope, renewal, and new life.
Janine di Giovanni
Why is it when you think you have everything in line the world throws you a curve? Well that’s what has been happening to me here recently. I don’t complain (or at least I don’t try to) because I know I am more fortunate then some but sometimes it gets to the point where you just have to sit down and ask why. I am not a devout religious person but I do believe in God. I believe for everything there is a reason. But that does not make it better. I guess what I am trying to say is I’m tired at this moment. I’m not depressed or sick or anything like that (thankfully). I just need to stop and regroup. I am just exhausted of running and running to keep up. Financially we are good, health we are good but when things start going south, no matter how good of shape you are in it wears you out. Sigh…..It always works out in the end and I am always better for the trial but it sucks to get there.
Oh wow!! Can you believe we are already at the end of March?!
If you cannot get rid of the family skeleton, you may as well make it dance.
George Bernard Shaw
At this point, like most moms and dads, my life was all about my kids and my spouse. Just keeping it all together was an exercise in and of itself. I’m not complaining about my past. I am just reflecting. I look back and I see how much pain and stress I put myself through when not only could I have made things easier on myself but also on my husband. But hey past is past and that is not what this post is about 🙂
I knew I had to get back to exercising but I’ll be honest it was so hard because I always found an excuse. I did exercise but as many times before it was not complete. I did start a strict regiment of exercise and at that point, I weighed 172 pounds, I lost 15 pounds. I was so happy but felt I was leaving something out. I was happy to have lost that weight but it wasn’t until I started looking for info regarding my health that I stumbled upon another yoga book (noticing a theme here…I love books). This book has so much info in it. and to be honest I learned a lot both about my health and physical being in it. It’s called: The Woman’s Book of Yoga & Health. I’m not trying to promote anything here just giving info if anyone wants to look at anything I have done. I started doing the exercises in it but could not continue. I always seemed to find a reason not to get up and do it. By this point I was 30 or 31 and I just completely stopped. I didn’t exercise or if I did it was half hearted. It did not benefit me because my heart and mind was not in it. I paid the price. For the next 7 years I gained weight and was just so busy (or so I thought) that I didn’t have the time.
As I was saying in my previous post, has always been part of my life. At the point I stopped doing yoga again, my priorities were skewed. I had been married almost 3 years at that point, I was about to go back to college after dropping out, I was trying to get pregnant, I discovered I had a thyroid issue (which I still take medicine for today), and as much as I love my husband…our relationship was not that great at that point. I was so out of balance with everything and it made my life a lot harder. I did try to go back to yoga during this time but it was fruitless. I could not get my mind in the place I needed to be. I could not focus on what I needed. I didn’t really know at that point in my life what I needed. It was not until after my son was born that I attempted yoga again, but I could not stay focused on it until about 3 years and my daughter’s birth was able to do it again.
At that point I was 27 and was feeling older than I was. It felt like my joints were rusted hinges. I was still somewhat flexible but I soon found out how much flexibility I had lost. I could not find any good books on yoga and I had given my book to my niece because she wanted to try it. So here I am, at home with 2 little ones (almost 2 yrs apart) and I start flipping through the channels. I never go to PBS but for some reason I did. I found a show on PBS that was yoga. I was like yes!! I found something I could start again. Well as happy as I was it didn’t last long. I did not stick with it. Not because I couldn’t (actually I think in some areas it still airs) but because again I could not focus to do anything for myself.
So as you all know I have not been posting a lot this past month. The holidays, family, and me revaluating me. I refuse to make New Year’s resolutions because…let’s be honest…no one ever keeps their New Year’s resolution. So instead of doing that I am reiterating the goal I intend to achieve: I am going to improve my eating habits, continue to do the exercising that I have been doing, and I am going to lose the weight I have left to lose.
In the last month I have discovered that when I made a decision not to allow people to control what I do or how I choose to live…I have started to live what really seems to be a better life. And as much as I hate to admit it because I hate to see people care about unhappy, I am actually happier and a lot calmer. I am glad that I no longer ( or at least most of the time) allow certain people to get under my skin. My holidays went a lot smoother then in years past. Does that mean I don’t go around my family or want to talk to them? No it just means I know how to manage myself and not worry about what everyone thinks or says.Thank goodness I made the choice I did 11 years ago.
A few things I want to accomplish this year…more goals then resolutions…just have to put my best foot forward:
- continue to improve my health with my fitness goals
- continue to pay down any debt we have (extra on house payment)
- manage myself better
- be a better parent especially now that my kids are teenagers
- be a better wife 🙂
Overall, I think this year is going to be a great one. I think it will be a little challenging in some areas but I know we will be able to do it. I know I will be doing more for myself to improve me and help my kids and husband do well for themselves. WE will accomplish what we set our minds to do. So here is to the first step…we will be great!!