faith

The Last 5 Weeks

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When you start something new, it is always a mixed bag of emotions. Some good, some not. When I started this new lease on life, I was excited, nervous, mad, hurt…and many more that I can’t put into words. I was so happy that I had convinced myself that I am finally going to do it, nervous I think because I am not sure if I can, mad because how could I let myself get in this shape, and hurt because I had failed myself. All of these and more have been floating around in that thing I call a brain, and at times it really plays havoc on my nerves. In the last 5 weeks, I really noticed how much I was stopping myself mentally from doing anything. I had convinced or got complacent with myself. I had told myself that you are fine, you look nice for your age, you fill everything out nicely…yes I did say these things to myself. I said these to convince myself I did not need to change. That I was fine the way I am. Whereas the reality of it, I was slowly going downhill.

I now realize, even though I am still the same person, I need to change that outlook. I need to adjust it. You know why? Because even though that outlook does soothe my self-esteem and makes me feel good…it gives me a false sense of self-esteem. It actually can be very toxic. I don’t need to change me, I need to change the way I perceive things. I need to be able to see my flaws as well as my beauty. I need to remind myself you might look good now but you will not only look good but feel good too at the end. I need to break out of the cage I put myself in when I started telling myself that I was ok when I really wasn’t. That’s what this journey is all about and believe me I am learning so much about myself that I had forgot.